“Depression is living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die.”
“Call an ambulance!”
“Also the police!”
“QUICK!”
Part I: New World
The wind blows, bringing coldness. Loneliness is formed in fear. No one is in this flying house, except me. Time is frozen. Darkness is my only friend.
I open my eyes.
I am in a wonderland.
I’m flying in the sky, above the clouds, but still inside the atmosphere. Underneath the clouds, there’s snow packing on the roof of the house. Trembling, I feel the coldness from the corners of the house, and wind violently touches my face. Everything is wearing a white coat. Trees are silver, waters are frozen, and roads are covered with snow.
I’m still flying toward an unknown place. The house doesn’t have a stop engine, but, whatever will happen next, I’m not afraid, not even of death.
Wait, what is that? The clouds are dark blue, and… there is a precipice! The house is flying slower and slower, it seems it will stop on top of the cliff.
Suddenly, the house shakes. It behaves like someone who cannot bear the pressure, screaming, shivering, crying. The house jumps the cliff.
It’s no longer flying.
It is pulled by gravity: in a free fall.
There is no time to escape out of the house.
Finally I can escape from the world...
But, the house stopped dropping as it reached the ground.
WHY? I thought I could finally leave all these pressures, and be pulled to something I want.
There is still no light under the cliff. Everything is so dark, miserable, and even cold. Then, a pair of eyes suddenly open. This definitely doesn’t belong to a human. This is a pair of white-colored eyes. No colored pupils, just blankly white.
It attracted me to step closer enough to see the whole face of it. It’s a vicious demon with a ferocious face, smiling like a horrible monster.
Voluntarily, my body stepped back.
Although it’s a monster, which should be evil, I still feel its contradicting mind. I see the twists in its mind, yet I also see the lights. I take a glance at the surroundings. I notice that there is a key inside of the jail.
The monster was jailed of its own accord.
“Why?” I asked.
“You should ask yourself.” the monster looks at me with its sharp eyes.
Part II: My World
I love helping people. When someone seeks help from me, I feel that I am wanted. However, when more and more voices come to find me for help, I could be overthrown. There is pressure putting on me. People criticize me for my actions. They think I don’t want to help them,
and they persist that helping them is part of my responsibility - is what I have to do. And, of course, they do not need to do any exchanges because I help them voluntarily. Most people think I have friends - a lot of friends, since there are usually people surrounding me. In fact, I don’t have any true friends. None of them really understand me, help me out or support me. They are around me because I am useful.
I don’t think I can be loved.
My father always wants a son, but here I am, a girl. Because of the one child policy, I am the only child in the family. I don’t have friends at my age who would play with me. I grew up playing with myself.
I used to tell my mother all of my thoughts until I found out that she doesn’t understand me. She doesn’t think that I have mental issues, or she has been putting too much pressure on me. She never truly understands me.
I don’t like studying. I behave well at school because I want to get noticed. I want to be told that I am needed, that I am good enough to get a rest, but it never comes. I begin to lose interest in everything I once liked. I can’t focus during class. I keep crying day by day without anyone noticing me until a point that I cannot cry anymore. I feel the need to cry, but I just can’t. I have a hard time falling asleep at night, and I would wake up very early. I feel very tired everyday, but I don't want to eat.
I think I am sick.
Part III: Colors
Behind the monster, I see another path lighten up, signaling me to walk there. It leads me to a secret garden. All the things I see are greenish. Plants are decorated on the archways, making a mysterious maze. The light shines through the leaves, providing a little bit of peace in this endless gloom.
I find something hiding in an inconspicuous tiny corner.
It looks like a girl, who is curling up like a tortoise that is protecting herself in a large shell. Subconsciously, I felt she didn't have any hostility towards me since I could hear the beating of her heart, strong and rhythmed, but a little slower than the normal people.
I tried to touch her as I sympathize with the depression that she bears. However, my hand passes through her whole body just like touching the air. She raised her head and said slowly, “You finally came.” To my surprise, she has almost the same appearance as mine, the only difference is that she doesn’t have eyes…
She is blind.
That’s what I thought when I saw the girl’s empty eyes.
Indeed, I am not wrong.
She gives me a feeling of emptiness, like nothing is important to her, and no one is there to support her. There is nothing in her world except darkness, even though her body is shining brightly.
She cannot see the colors of the world as her heart has already broken into thousands of pieces that are not able to be healed. Nevertheless, with all the pressure she is bearing now, she still chooses to carry on.
Part IV: Fights
I finally realized where this place is, an actual portrayal of my mind.
It suddenly occurred to me what the last straw is...
After I knew that I was sick, I had tried to ask for help, but all the
voices around me are telling me that I am not sick. They laughed, and then said confidently that I am just too emotional.
Okay, I overthink too much. I’m fine.
My brain tells me that I deserve loneliness.
It persuades me that I can’t be loved.
It proves to me that no one wants me to be around.
It shows me that no one understands me.
Save me.
The monster always makes me imagine the death I might encounter, such as a car accident, falling down from the apartment, and taking a knife. I have tried to stop the monster when it happens to control my mind. I did lock the monster inside of the jail, but it still has the ability to run out, because it possesses the key.
A key that can unlock all the nightmare when it happens to be thrown by someone or something. It can be anything, even the tiniest thing that people usually won’t notice. I tried to force the monster to be jailed, to not come out again and again.
But each time I tried, I failed.
Even though the girl cannot see anything, she still has a powerful feeling. She can always heal me with some of her magical power.
She would always tell me how much my parents love me no matter what happens. She would prove to me that there are true friends supporting me.
She would comfort me that there is still love in the world, and there are still people like me struggling and warming each other at the same time.
I have to admit she’s right sometimes, and I know she is encouraging me to fight against the monster.
I step up to the corner that I didn’t pay attention to before. There, I see a knife. At the moment I pick it up, I hear the monster whisper to me, “No one cares about you, why don’t you just die?” I know the monster is my dysfunctional thoughts, waiting for me to die.
The girl also whispers to me, “You should live for yourself. You have so many things that you didn’t do yet.” I figure the girl is my broken soul that persists the importance of living, waiting for me to find the colors of the world.
I did try to seek for colors, but they never appear in my world. I can barely see the lights trespassing in the darkness. If there’s no light, how come there’s color?
Let’s have a fight.
Part V: Decision
They are contradicting each other every minute in my brain.
The depression overthrows me again and again.
The numbness is similar to the waves in the ocean, submerging me over and over until I was suffocated.
I grab the knife. There is a violent force putting on it to go through my hand, while there is another gentle force acting against it to protect me.
I close my eyes.
Is this what I want?
I decide what I want to do after struggling as the monster runs out and the soul is not hiding as before. They are going to have a fight, and whoever has the weapon will win. AND, I have the only weapon here, the knife.
Choosing to die is to relieve all the depression and leave all the memories behind. Choosing to live is the hardest and bravest thing to do.
There is always the darkest side that we have to accept, either trapping on it or getting over. The problem we have to face is ourselves since we decide the winner. I’m not regretful.
We can not only make our own decisions, but also influence others’ decisions.
“Depression is being colorblind and constantly told how colorful the world is.” - Atticus
End.
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