1 in 4

TRIGGER WARNING:

THIS PIECE CONTAINS DISCUSSIONS ABOUT CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE AND MENTAL HEALTH.

1 in 4. I have carried this statistic with me like a ball and chain throughout life. You whisper about the possibility, as though if you speak too loud it will come true. No one imagines it happens to you or your child. But 1 in 4 female children are victims of childhood sexual abuse. You are taught to never talk to strangers, never let anyone touch you, to cross to the other side of the sidewalk if a scary man is there. No one tells you it's the next door neighbor. Less than 10% of child sexual abuse is committed by a stranger (Davis).

You watch the cautionary tales to avoid the thin wispy haired man because he’s the one who will hurt you. But I had to learn that it’s the neighborhood boy who babysits you. He’s the straight-A student who plays lacrosse and goes off to med school; He saves lives while he ruined yours. He takes you to the woods to “play” and you never really come back. Your body escapes and you go home, continuing on with life. You go through the motions of life: eat dinner, go to school, go to sleep, do your work. Your mind stays there in the exact moment and spot it happened. You can never really leave; a part of me will always be there, living it over and over again.

Throughout my life, I have learned people other than those who directly hurt you will be your biggest enemy. Everybody teaches you how to avoid sexual abuse and assault but never what to do once it has happened. Especially to a child who does not even understand what just happened to them. It’s incredibly important to teach kids that their body is their own, how to discuss it with someone, but also to teach adults how to spot the signs it's happening to a child. If someone had just noticed my change in mood and appetite, coded language, and complete shift in personality, maybe my life would be different. I had silently begged those around me to listen, to hear me for what I was truly saying.

Childhood sexual abuse can present itself in many forms. 1 in 5 children are solicited for sex online (Davis).

In my senior year of high school I began to exhibit extreme signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but my psychiatric team was confused. I was having vivid haunting nightmares, episodes of intense mood swings, and debilitating issues sustaining relationships. All with seemingly no cause. I was angry at the world, but I didn’t know at who. There was so much pain and shame inside me with no face to blame, No one could ever prepare me for this diagnosis.

My world began to crumble when medical officials were telling me I was missing memories. Chunks of my life had disappeared without my knowledge. I had lost around 6 years of my life from intense dissociation, defined as “the disconnection and lack of continuity between thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions, and identity,”(MayoClinic). I always just assumed I had a bad memory; People including my family would ask if I remember things like family vacations or holidays and I would have no clue what they were talking about.

Confronting the truth of my childhood is one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced and possibly ever will. I began therapy when I was in the 5th grade, far earlier than the average person. My parents found a sketchbook full of suicidal ideation. A huge sign that a child is being abused, sexual or not, is negative self talk and self harm(RAINN). Everyone asked me, “Why did you write that stuff about wanting to hurt yourself?” but I had no idea. Automatically, I felt that I had done something wrong and that I was at fault. That I was hurt because I deserved it. It’s taken me six years to start to unlearn this thought process, and I’m still working on it. Victims are victims; do not ask for it, cause it, or are at fault. I was hurt because someone wanted to hurt me.

I felt so incredibly isolated. I was left alone in the desert with no resources and told to find my way home. My experience and trauma felt so inferior and society made me feel like a fraud. My abuser was another minor, so I was always told “it’s just kids being kids.” For the longest time I believed it. Around 40% of children who have experienced sexual abuse are victims of an older or more powerful child (Broman-Folks).

I have told a total of three people in my entire life about what happened to me when I was a child. I carry this mark with me like a secret shame. My heart would beat so fast and I felt like I was dying when it would come up or I tried to tell somebody. I sat on the tile floor of my dorm bedroom with two of my roommates with me. No matter what I did, I couldn’t stop crying. PTSD episodes are marked by dissociation, mood swings, and flashbacks. The people I live with knew of my PTSD diagnosis but never knew why, and had never asked why. It’s such a taboo sensitive topic, no one wants to ask what happened to you. Understandably, it can be very triggering, but I think the tiptoeing around it set me back so far in my journey to speak my truth and empower myself. As the pressure built, 6 years of hiding this secret was like a dam breaking. Suddenly everything came rushing out and I couldn’t stop. I told them everything, who he was, when it happened, and exactly what happened. It was as if I was being strangled for half my life and suddenly it stopped. I could breathe. But I held my breath for one more second as I waited for reactions. When I listened in on other people talking about women who had been assaulted it was always the same reaction. “She is damaged goods,” “Did she ask for it?”, “She could ruin his life if she comes out with that story,” or god forbid even, “It didn’t even happen.” I remember the first time I went to a new psychiatrist in New York I was told I couldn’t have PTSD because I was too young, pretty, and hadn’t been through a traumatic enough event. Approximately 2.4% of the U.S. population is diagnosed with PTSD. PTSD affects twice as many women as it does men. 49% of PTSD victims were traumatized by sexual assault (Walsh). So why was I questioned immediately? Our society automatically assumes a PTSD victim is an older man who is a veteran. Although they are a large part of the demographic and I do not discredit their experience, women should not be ignored for their trauma. My experience is just as valid as any others, and childhood sexual abuse victims should not be ignored.

I was treated with love and sympathy, not pity or suspicion for the first time in years. Support systems are incredibly important to victims of sexual abuse, sometimes even being a matter of life or death for some people. I was held, I was supported. The ground I stood on finally felt solid. I no longer felt that if I spoke my forbidden words the earth would crack open and swallow me whole for my sins.

I know it sounds horrible, but I have come to terms with my childhood sexual abuse. I have mourned the loss of that little girl and who I was. I’m weirdly grateful for it, so I can now advocate for something that happens to millions of people, yet it is still not discussed openly. Ignoring a topic doesn’t make it go away, it just pushes it in the shadows. People who are victims of long-term childhood sexual abuse are 4 times more likely to develop PTSD (RAINN). Children who tell someone about their abuse within a month of the event have a smaller chance of developing depression. Words have more power than we allow our youth to believe. Providing the victims resources to recover is incredibly important, but teaching our adults to spot the signs, help a child recover, and generally prevent sexual abuse is more important. To prevent sexual abuse we have to shift the focus to the adult. No child causes or asks for sexual abuse. If something happens to a child, it is the abuser’s fault and only the abuser’s fault. Parents need to be careful of who is in their inner circle and family members as they are the majority perpetrators. Sex offender databases are very easily accessible and available to the public. Be overly cautious because it can save a life. My life has happened the way it has on purpose. I am a part of the 1 in 4, and although I would never wish what happened to me upon others, it has happened and now I have to make the best of it trying to help others.

Works Cited

Childhood Sexual Abuse and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder |

CPTSDfoundation.org. https://cptsdfoundation.org/2021/04/05/childhood-

sexual-abuse-and-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/ Accessed 20 Mar.

2023

Broman-Fulks, Joshua J., et al. “Sexual Assault Disclosure in Relation to Adolescent

Mental Health: Results from the National Survey of Adolescents.” Journal of

Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, vol. 36, no. 2, Apr. 2007, pp. 260–

66, doi:https://doi.org/10.1080/15374410701279701.

“5 Facts about Child on Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA).” Defend Innocence,

https://defendinnocence.org/child-sexual-abuse-risk-reduction/sexual-

development-at-all-ages/concerning-behavior/5-facts-child-child-sexual-abuse/