My sister, Kelsey, is the most important person in my life. Surviving more than we should have together, she has proved to be the only consistently loving family I have, and I like to believe that I am the same for her. Every day I wake up feeling honored to be her sister; and incredibly lucky to have found the greatest of friends in someone who has slept merely ten steps from me every night since birth. There is also never a dull moment when Kelsey is around; wherever our family went when we were children, she managed to make us all laugh with her spontaneous dance moves and incredibly high-pitched voice that put Minnie Mouse to shame. As my love for her has grown, so has our relationship. We have fit every dynamic from conventional sibling rivalry, to nurturing each other in times of sorrow, to where we are now, in a state of love and true sibling friendship. I would like to share a plethora of stories about our relationship; and how it has changed over time to create the flourishing connection we have now.
Our early childhood was close to ideal in every way that mattered. We had two loving parents; a beautiful home, a summer house in the Hamptons; a dog, Liberty, whom we loved dearly; a stepsister who could not have been more nurturing; and a big family with whom we spent every holiday. We traveled often as children. My mother loved exploring new countries, and my father was a lawyer with more money than he knew where to spend, so we were often on a plane traveling to some new and distant location. At the time, it was very irritating to both Kelsey and me. Can you imagine putting two restless children on multiple eight-hour flights across the world every year? I am not sure how our parents put up with our constant nagging as we were unaware of just how lucky we were to have these experiences. According to a Travel+Leisure article, “...travel can expand a kid's world, making them more empathetic toward cultural differences and helping them adapt to changing situations” (Fox, 2020). Looking back, I could not be more grateful to say that I have traveled all around the world with my best friend, Kelsey.
In between our many travels, we attended everything together. Every playdate, every extracurricular activity (even if one of us did not participate), and every errand, we were tied at the hip. Of course, being together so much brought its challenges. We were both very artistic children, and we often competed for my parents' attention, or truly that of anyone who would listen, in our many performances and spirited displays of creativity. Regardless, we always managed to meet each other halfway and applaud whoever was the true star of the show.
One place I can never forget to mention, as it was; and still is; something we bonded over, is Disney World. Every year before our parents’ divorce, we took a vacation to Disney World. We rode every ride together, stuffed our faces with food, and yes, even gave our parents a performance in the hotel room after a grueling day in the sun. According to an article published by the New York Times, “Walt Disney didn’t just build a theme park for childhood fantasy. He created a world we believe in, and a journey to the land of the better self” (O’Hagan, 2015). We soaked up every bit of magic this amusement park had to offer; and still do; even in our late teens. To us, it is truly the most magical place on Earth.
When I was ten and she was seven, my sister and I experienced, what I now deem to be, the first stage of failure of my parents’ relationship. We were in Italy at the time with our parents and grandmother. It was supposed to be a month-long vacation in our country of origin, filled with mesmerizing experiences and enough food to sustain you for years to come. Unfortunately, life had other plans, and Kelsey and I were the targets of such.
My father, a man I have spent much of my life explaining to people as he is an incredibly complicated individual, sparked a family argument about two weeks into our majestic summer abroad. What should have been a small disagreement blew up into a family-ending altercation. I remember it was an early August morning when my sister and I both woke up to screams among the adults accompanying us. Despite obviously being awake, neither of us moved, and neither of us acknowledged the violent words we were hearing. We just laid there, paused in time, motionless. This is a common reaction among children with hostile families as was researched in a Greater Good article published by Berkley stating, “When parents repeatedly use hostile strategies with each other, some children can become distraught, worried, anxious, and hopeless” (Divecha, 2016). It was not too long after that my father came in, gave us both a kiss on the cheek, and said “goodbye.” He chose to leave his wife, his mother-in-law, and his two children in Italy, and return to the States to “get his head right.”
Kelsey and I never had the same relationship after that. What once was a dynamic where we were equals had, in an instant, changed. I had taken on the role of her protector, and I was determined to keep her away from hardship, even if I did not know what that meant quite yet. The Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, a psychology journal, describes what Kelsey and I experienced next in our lives perfectly, stating, “We found that the sibling relationships in the divorcing families tended to be ‘affect-intense,’ or high in both nurturance and hostility” (Noller et al., 2008). I worked incredibly hard to shield my sister from the violent nature of our parents’ divorce, and I often felt lonely and frustrated because Kelsey did not appreciate it. I know now that she did not know I was shielding her, as I did such an excellent job mediating conflicts that she was unaware of many of the conflicts at all.
Although I was much too young to be a parent, I figured out a way to fill that role for Kelsey. My mother, an incredible role model to me and a true survivor of my father’s abuse, was unsurprisingly broken by the divorce. I do not hold any anger towards her for her actions. However, I not only became a parentified child to my sister but also at times to my mother. Clinical Child Psychology & Psychiatry states that “…parents may look to their children for emotional or logistical support to combat their own stresses and pressures” (Earley et al., 2002). There were many occasions when I filled the role of her therapist, her husband, and even her best friend. Although, according to the Single Mother Guide, “single motherhood has grown so common in America that today 80 percent of single-parent families are headed by single mothers,” (Lee, 2023); as a child, I felt as if no one could relate to my situation, and I believed it to be my duty to play the part of the hero for my family; I now know that was an unfair and unnecessary stress I put on myself.
I was stuck in a constant state of fight or flight, never knowing when or if I would have a moment to just be a child, and I had no idea how to remove myself from this role I had assumed. “It is feasible that caregiving responsibilities may effect the individuation process that is necessary for the development of a sense of self separate and independent from ones caregiving role” (Earley et al., 2002). I never fully figured out who I was outside of a caregiver, and I still struggle to free myself of that role every day. I am profoundly grateful to have a family that reminds me of who I need to be and has learned to only ask what is necessary of me.
Despite the awful situation, I was and forever am profoundly grateful that I was able to fill that role for my sister. According to the Clinical Social Work Journal, “When parents fail to supply appropriate care or when they create an environment of aggression, children may instinctively turn to a sibling as a substitute parent...” (Leavitt et al., 1998). Every time I look at my sister, I see a part of me in her. She is my best friend, and I am so lucky to have been given the opportunity to guide and protect her.
Now, my sister and I are the closest, I think, we will ever be to a normal sibling relationship. I still pick her up from school and make her food when she asks, and I will forever be there to protect her when she needs me. However, I now see her as a strong young woman who is more than capable of protecting herself. She is the smartest, kindest, funniest person I have ever had the grace of knowing. I love her and my mother, more than I can put into words. Although our family may be small, and we may have our trauma and sorrow, the love that I already have with my built-in best friend is more than I could ever wish for.
Works Cited
Divecha, Diana PhD. “What Happens to Kids When Parents Fight.” Greater Good,
2016,greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_happens_to_kids_when_parents_fight#:~:text=When%20parents%20repeatedly%20use%20hostile,at%20home%20and%20at%20school. Accessed 19 Nov. 2023.
Earley, Louise, and Delia Joyce Cushway. “The Parentified Child.” Clinical Child
Psychology & Psychiatry, vol. 7, no. 2, 2002.
Fox, Alison. “How Traveling With Kids Can Help Them Later in Life.” Travel + Leisure,
2020,www.travelandleisure.com/trip-ideas/family-vacations/why-travel-is-important-for-kids. Accessed 19 Nov. 2023.
Leavitt, Kerry S, et al. “Severely Traumatized Siblings: A Treatment Strategy.” Clinical
Social Work Journal, vol. 26, no. 1, 1998, pp. 55–71., https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1022897512333. Accessed 11 Oct. 2023.
Lee, Dawn. “Single Mother Statistics (UPDATED 2023).” (UPDATED 2023),
singlemotherguide.com/single-mother-statistics/. Accessed 22 Oct. 2023.
Noller, Patricia, et al. “Conflict in Divorcing and Continuously Married Families: A
Study of Marital, Parent Child and Sibling Relationships.” Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, vol. 49, no. 1/2, 2008, pp. 1–24., https://doi.org/10.1080/10502550801971223. Accessed 11 Oct. 2023.
O'Hagan, Andrew. “The Happiness Project.” The New York Times, 17 July 2015,
www.nytimes.com/2015/07/17/t-magazine/happiness-project-disneyland.html. Accessed 19 Nov. 2023.
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