ESL and Me: A Journey to Belonging

People tend to say “Life is like a game.” If that was the case, then I guess I got unlucky and played it on hard mode. Being the oldest in a Chinese immigrant family was hard. It meant I had more responsibilities and the pressure to succeed fell heavily on my shoulders. The responsibility of helping and watching my younger brother, and helping my mom whenever needed seemed minuscule compared to learning English. Learning English was like trying to finish a puzzle blindfolded. Every day was a constant struggle as I tried to make sense of this new world I was thrown into.  

It was a challenge I was forced to face. From the moment I entered my first-grade ESL class, I felt overwhelmed. I wasn’t able to communicate with my teacher or make any friends. While my peers were at recess and talking about trends, I was merely an outsider, shut off from their activities. I always felt like a 'fraud' in my class; an island in the middle of the vast ocean, surrounded by people talking in a language that was foreign to me. I wanted to connect with my peers, but the idea of being ridiculed and embarrassed stopped me from speaking to my peers. I constantly found myself unmotivated and dreaming about being home where I could speak comfortably and understand the people around me.   

Every summer I would dread August – the time the letter would arrive. The letter would say if I had to attend ESL the upcoming school year or not. All the fun I had during summer would disappear the second I held that letter. I know it was meant to help me but I couldn't help but hate the class. I hated having to stay after school to take more classes, I hated feeling like I wasn’t normal, I hated missing out on lunch. For most people lunchtime is sacred– it was a time where students could have fun without the classroom rules. But for me, it was another reminder that I was behind and different. Instead of having a break like all the rest of the class, I was in a classroom trying to catch up on things that came naturally to everyone else. I started to resent ESL, not because I hated learning English, but because it started to feel like school wasn’t school.  It felt like a cage, a cage for immigrant children.  

Being the oldest in an immigrant family proved to have a special set of difficulties. Other kids could easily turn to their parents when something wasn't clear and ask them to explain it, but I often found myself on my own trying to work out the unfamiliar language. Although my parents supported me, their struggle with English made it difficult for me to receive the assistance I needed. Their extensive time spent working and showing their commitment to supporting our family resulted in them being too tired to help me with my homework. While they eagerly sought to help me succeed, the language barrier proved to be a challenge for all of us.  

Without any older siblings to help me, I often felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility. The majority of my relatives were distant, many still in China and others living their busy lives in other states. I was left alone, feeling isolated at home trying to juggle responsibilities, like daily laundry and dish duty, and catching up with academic learning. There were many times I would think, “Why can't I learn this language as fast as others, Why am I always behind, will I ever grasp it?”  It felt as though I was in the center of a crowd with one shining light on me yet no one saw, completely unseen and unheard. I felt isolated as if I was the only person that didn’t fit in. That sense of invisibility continued, followed me home, and snowballed until I could avoid it no longer. 

Everything changed when I sat down with my parents and read my report card. They opened the envelope and it was filled with C's, D's, and a single B that I managed to get in Math. They didn’t say anything yet, but I could see it in their eyes. My parents stared at the report card concerned, questioning how my grades were this bad. Those concerns quickly grew into disappointment. That was the first time I saw my mom cry. Seeing my strong-willed mother crumble because of my grades made me realize they wanted me to succeed and I was the one letting them down.  

I was about to enter second grade when another letter came in the mail. The same letter said I had to attend ESL classes because of my poor grades. However, this time was different. Instead of dreading the start of the new school year, I felt eager. I had decided that this year was going to be my last year in ESL classes. I made a promise to myself to push further, to get the courage to talk to my peers and ask for help. I wanted to prove that I was able to keep up in school and to be able to leave the classroom. I didn't fear being left behind anymore. Instead, it became fuel to push myself. I was determined to be seen and heard within the crowd, even when the lights were no longer shining on me. 

Once I had set my resolve I knew I needed a different approach to this school year. The first thing I decided to do was to increase my reading. There was a small library in my classroom, so I asked my teacher if I could take more books home each time I visited. Reading books like Charlotte’s Web slowly expanded my vocabulary and improved my reading comprehension. I started to pay more attention to my teacher — the way she wrote, the way she spoke, and the way she pronounced every word. I asked more questions, though I was still very shy because I knew I couldn't afford to stay silent any longer. 

I also knew the importance of what I do at home and what I do in my free time. Instead of mainly watching Chinese shows at home, I started to include some English shows like Wild Kratts, Arthur, and the Magic School Bus. It was hard at first since I didn’t understand the show, but in time I started to pick up words and phrases. Little by little, the language became less foreign to me. My confidence in my English grew and, after 3 months I was now able to follow class without getting lost the second the teacher spoke. After a few months of relentless effort, I finally passed ESL and my report card was filled with A's and B's for the first time. It was a relief, but more importantly, I felt I was finally able to contribute to my family in a meaningful way. I could help my parents with the little things: translating bills, letters, and everyday phrases. When they needed directions or help with conversations, I began helping them with things that I had never been able to do before. That felt satisfying to give back, to use the skills that I had fought so hard to gain. 

As my English improved, I decided it was time to help them learn the language as well. We started to communicate more in English daily and I helped correct their pronunciations whenever necessary. Little by little, their English also improved. At the beginning of my younger brother's ESL journey, I was there for him, too. I helped him with his writing, speaking, and understanding by guiding him through the things I had to figure out myself. It felt amazing to extend him the support nobody had ever given me. Soon, I became the bridge for my family, easing our navigation through a world once so remote.  

My journey through ESL was not easy; it was filled with times when I felt so doubtful and frustrated. It was also a transforming experience that taught me a great deal about resilience, responsibility, and personal growth. Being the oldest in an immigrant family, I faced a lot of unique challenges that tested my patience daily. It often felt like I was on the outside looking in, struggling to fit in with my peers and my environment, and that adversity shaped me. It taught me to use my inner strength to embrace the challenges and persevere through them. Passing ESL wasn’t just a personal accomplishment, it was a turning point in my life. Although I may have started my life in "hard mode," I acquired a set of skills and perspectives that have prepared me for any challenge life throws my way. What once felt like a cage of isolation has now become the bedrock of my success. More importantly, it taught me that while language may pose a barrier, persistence and the will to learn will always provide the key to breaking that barrier. 

Meet The Author: Erick Lin is a sophomore here at St. John’s majoring in Radiologic Sciences and graduating in 2028.