Children of Buyer Beware

Light and wiry

Aerodynamics make for a sharp sting

Enough force could make for some interesting red line art

Never mark your victim the same time twice

Not much power, though

Not much surface area, either

Usually one laying around

Be careful not to break the plastic ones

They may hit harder but prepare to buy a new one

So have I sold you on the hanger?

No?- Your children must really be cruisin’ for a bruisin’

I’ll kick it up a notch, this next one’s perfect.

Thick and heavy

I’d advise toward a broomstick with a wooden handle

The metal ones are hollow and break easily over the head

It’s perfect for any mother whose children mindlessly kick up their piles

There’s also the added bonus of handing it off to your victim when you’ve finished the beating Give em’ a punishment and give em’ some work

And if the broomstick is to break

All the better

Make them sweep with it anyway.

Still not biting, huh?

Well, this next one's a classic!

Swing and a spank

The wooden spoon is hands-down the best

Bang for your buck.

Lightweight and portable, it can easily be slipped into a purse for some on-the-go whuppings

Whether you’re in Shoprite or at the dinner table, you can always keep it handy. If you decided to leave it in your kitchen,

You get the added effect of instilling a permanent fear into your child

Every time they hear a drawer being opened

If your child happens to be the perpetrator of a delinquency vile enough to warrant you

Breaking the spoon over their behind

You can keep the broken heads in a drawer to

Tally their missteps.

Ma’am. I have to say you have been a tough sell.

But this next item is not one to disappoint.

An Artisan-crafted heirloom.

Be sure your children are readied with their tetanus shots before whipping out this bad boy

I mean whipping your bad boy!

Rigged with a line of metal spikes, your father’s belt is sure to

Strike fear into their hearts

Just one look at this medieval contraption will have them on their hands and knees Scrubbing the floor

Washing the dishes

Begging for mercy!

And if they do call your bluff,

No worries!

You will only ever have to use it once in their life

From the first draw of blood they will know your sincerity the next time you

Whip out the belt.

Incredible!

I’ve never had to push this hard.

Those kids must be real pieces of shit.

For the modern mother.

A well-deserved upgrade to the classic spoon

I present to you the durable

The dynamic

The dangerous

Stainless Steel Spatula!

It’s ergonomic design gives you the most power with every swing

And the many holes let air pass through swiftly while leaving a fun

Red polka-dot pattern your little bastards won’t be quick to forget

Better yet, the stainless steel keeps any residue of tears or blood from rusting your spoon,

So you can use it until they’re well into their twenties!

My favorite feature happens to be the glistening, reflective sheen

So your little rascal can see the terror on his own face as it comes toward ‘em. SOLD!!!