Light and wiry
Aerodynamics make for a sharp sting
Enough force could make for some interesting red line art
Never mark your victim the same time twice
Not much power, though
Not much surface area, either
Usually one laying around
Be careful not to break the plastic ones
They may hit harder but prepare to buy a new one
So have I sold you on the hanger?
No?- Your children must really be cruisin’ for a bruisin’
I’ll kick it up a notch, this next one’s perfect.
Thick and heavy
I’d advise toward a broomstick with a wooden handle
The metal ones are hollow and break easily over the head
It’s perfect for any mother whose children mindlessly kick up their piles
There’s also the added bonus of handing it off to your victim when you’ve finished the beating Give em’ a punishment and give em’ some work
And if the broomstick is to break
All the better
Make them sweep with it anyway.
Still not biting, huh?
Well, this next one's a classic!
Swing and a spank
The wooden spoon is hands-down the best
Bang for your buck.
Lightweight and portable, it can easily be slipped into a purse for some on-the-go whuppings
Whether you’re in Shoprite or at the dinner table, you can always keep it handy. If you decided to leave it in your kitchen,
You get the added effect of instilling a permanent fear into your child
Every time they hear a drawer being opened
If your child happens to be the perpetrator of a delinquency vile enough to warrant you
Breaking the spoon over their behind
You can keep the broken heads in a drawer to
Tally their missteps.
Ma’am. I have to say you have been a tough sell.
But this next item is not one to disappoint.
An Artisan-crafted heirloom.
Be sure your children are readied with their tetanus shots before whipping out this bad boy
I mean whipping your bad boy!
Rigged with a line of metal spikes, your father’s belt is sure to
Strike fear into their hearts
Just one look at this medieval contraption will have them on their hands and knees Scrubbing the floor
Washing the dishes
Begging for mercy!
And if they do call your bluff,
No worries!
You will only ever have to use it once in their life
From the first draw of blood they will know your sincerity the next time you
Whip out the belt.
Incredible!
I’ve never had to push this hard.
Those kids must be real pieces of shit.
For the modern mother.
A well-deserved upgrade to the classic spoon
I present to you the durable
The dynamic
The dangerous
Stainless Steel Spatula!
It’s ergonomic design gives you the most power with every swing
And the many holes let air pass through swiftly while leaving a fun
Red polka-dot pattern your little bastards won’t be quick to forget
Better yet, the stainless steel keeps any residue of tears or blood from rusting your spoon,
So you can use it until they’re well into their twenties!
My favorite feature happens to be the glistening, reflective sheen
So your little rascal can see the terror on his own face as it comes toward ‘em. SOLD!!!
